Aha moments can really hit you. They tend to be a lot more like OMMMMPH moments (imagine getting hit in the gut by someone swinging a bulldozer). I just had one of those moments, complete with alarm bells but just short of some type of holy manifestation where the angels appear and tell me that THIS is incredibly important.
I sat up straighter in my chair and tried to pay attention through eyes filled with tears, some in anger (at myself) and some self pity. I was impressed I could see at all.
The details of what happened are pretty irrelevant – the lesson is not.
Life is full of prescriptions concerning expectations. We are supposed to love and be loved by our family members. We are supposed to be kind to one another. Friends are supposed to act a certain way in some instances, and not some ways, in others.
What I have come to understand is that love comes where it is found. You can’t assign it according to the roles we play in one another’s lives. Family can do horrible things to one another. Family is not always concerned with either your success or happiness. Family is sometimes the most toxic people in your life . . . as are some “friends.”
What I learned was that I need to wake up and start appreciating the love that IS in my life and stop trying to force it where it does not exist. The only thing that assigns tragedy to that statement is my perception that I should expect love from people who are “supposed” to care about me.
The truth is these people have no idea who I am.
They never cared enough to find out.
I am fully dressed, dry eyed, with my big girl pants on. I have some people that I have neglected who have made time for me over and over again. And for that, I am very very blessed, and very grateful. I am committed to start seeing those people and to focus on what love and connection exists and to stop feeling guilty about those relationships which are not ever going to happen. I don’t want to be angry at these people with some kind of expectation that we are supposed to love when we clearly don’t . . . or can’t . . . or won’t. I want them to find their peace and happiness and I want my own.