I get tired of people blaming things on other people.
My life became so much less complicated when I finally accepted I am totally and completely responsible for me. I may not get to control everything that happens to me and gosh knows there are a lot of horrible people out there volunteering to be nasty and mean, but I sure as heck get to control what I ALLOW to impact me. I wouldn’t allow some stranger walking by to step into my house and tell me how to decorate, why on earth would I allow them to have any influence on who I am as a person?
I can love people without allowing them to take the drivers seat in my life.
I have people I care about enough to try and help them understand some of the things I do, but if they cannot or they cannot support my choice, it is not going to impact the decision I made. I learned a long time ago to make decisions for me and not for the crowd that gathers, hoping they will applaud my choice and thereby PROVE that I did the right thing. Learning that also taught me to stop looking for them to back me up when I am wrong. No matter how many of them might say I did the right thing, when I know I did not, that is all that matters.
I am the one who holds back my own hair when I have to throw up in the middle of the night because my life has become toxic.
Some people think I am too much an introvert. I insist on time alone. I insist on a lot of time alone. It is not because there is something wrong with me or because THAT is the way we should all be living … it is because that is what I need.
I have just recently come to understand how important that base is for me. I need that quiet, that time to study, to work on creative endeavors of thought and physical output. I need time with people who share their process and findings because it challenges and inspires me.
I no longer know how to be around people who choose to live their lives with lies and excuses, who use love as a weapon, who thrive on drama and pain. I love some of these people but I cannot have them in my life. I used to feel guilty about that, like I should be a bigger person, and then I found myself pursuing the question of why and realized . . . there is no good reason.
I am making soul choices now.
I don’t care so much about the colour of the walls in my house as I care about the feeling in me. I work hard to feel peace and to extend peace to others. I engage in speaking out against those things that wound my soul because they are important to me. I care about others. But you cannot be truthful to and about others if you are not truthful to yourself and living a life of avoidance and side stepping your own personal responsibility for your life creates this insidious cancer that keeps things in a state of chaos. In chaos there is no silence. Without silence there is no peace. Without peace there is no love – in the true essence of the word.
I choose love.
I am responsible for my choices.
It is not my choice to not have people in my life, I am not focused on eliminating. I am moving forward and some people, because of their choice (or lack of) put themselves where my life and theirs cannot intersect. I feel that loss but when the choice is losing them or losing me, I am only responsible for me.