I keep coming back to this concept in my head. I am the one who esteems other people and writes them into my story as to who they are and who they are not. It is my dialogue that shades them and creates them and then when they act contrary to my script I react in pain.
It is exactly because of this that when I am in pain, I turn inward instead of lashing out at people. I know the problem is mine. I have to figure out where I went off the rails and the narrative I was writing became more important than just experiencing that person as they are. Clearly I needed them to be something to me or for me and that is wrong.
Not that is wrong to want people to love you and respect you.
Not that is right for people to abuse or use you because THAT is their true nature and they choose to do nothing to remedy it.
I always find that had I been dealing with them in a healthy way I could have seen the warning signs and avoided the painful situation. It was because I stopped being honest with myself, or because I was struggling with some emotion or need, that I created a space that was not honest and that ended up with me being hurt. I will not allow people to use or abuse me. I cannot have those people in my life. I will not have those people in my life.
It doesn’t mean I hate them or need to destroy them, it just means I need to go my way and they need to go theirs.
In those instances where I can help someone, there is a healthy space for me to do that. I can’t do that if I am their victim, or my emotions are running high.
I just have always been very clear on my responsibility to take care of me. It is like being on a plane when the oxygen masks come down. You have to put yours on first so that you can help others. I know this is often a real dilemma for people – the knife’s edges between being loving and compassionate and being a doormat but for me I see a clear wide lane where I am supposed to be, in order to function and to honour myself and others.
Other people do not disappoint me. They do not offend me. These are responses I choose. So if something that happens pulls me that far off my centre and out of who I am, then I let them go. Even that is not a value judgement of them, it is about me and what I am able, or perhaps willing, to handle.