Being able to find that peace inside yourself is such a well of strength. At any time during the day, I can access that place and escape long enough to catch my breath, long enough to remind myself that is who I am.
Sometimes I get pulled way out of that knowing and it takes some time and effort to balance again but I always know when I am in danger because that peace is missing and unattainable. I know that is when I am acting contrary to my core being.
There are many good and worthy parts of life that have cheap counterfeits that can fool us … love and lust, self esteem and pride …. but the one thing that has no cheap counterfeit is peace. That peace is when you know you are in sync with the universe and yourself. That peace tells me when I am doing what is right for me. If I feel that peace over a decision, around a person, or in any situation, everything is ok. I don’t need to have all the answers, I don’t need to see and understand everything, I can accept that I have that peace.
Some of us are very fortunate to have loved ones in our lives who also have that sense and I know, at times when I am pulled way off my base, I can rely on my husband. If he tells me it is ok, I can trust that.
My wish for everyone is not that they share my peace … but that they find their own and that they come to realize that this is what life is really about. This is where we were meant to live, not in the day to day stressing and catastrophizing and noise that is our life today. Peace, happiness, joy, calm … these are things worthy of our time and attention.
I have not had a “lot” of friends in my life. I probably have a lot of what other people refer to as friends but for me many of them are simply “friendly” people, who, because of life circumstances, I have interactions with. Many of them were not friendly prior to those circumstances and do not continue contact after those circumstances change. There are no big fights or dramatic endings, time just moves on.
I have had many people who have reached out to me at times in my life when I most needed someone and who have said or done such kind, thoughtful things. Healing is often started by a single acknowledgment of someone that you matter. In those instances, there is a bond woven between our hearts that may not ever get explored or woven into the full tapestry it might be but it is as strong as steel. It is a knowingness of love.
I never forget those people.
Friendship is not about measuring the give and take but it is about a feeling that exists between two people. It is an awareness of who the other person is and of their emotions to the point that we move beyond our own needs and reach out to them. Sometimes we do that with laughter, sometimes tears, and sometimes just a shared silence.
I never forget those people.
Feelings are like air to me. I would not know how to live without them.
I remember being a child and talking to “God” as I often did as a child, left on my own for hours and hours with no-one to talk to or play with. I was upset because I cried over things no-one else ever even noticed and hurt when other people could just skip on by and go play baseball. If I had a nickle for every time I have been told to “toughen up” or grow a thicker skin ….
As I cried and cried, sitting high up in my favourite tree, the air suddenly was incredibly still and I felt, as I often did, completely enveloped in gentle arms. Flooding into my mind came the understanding that yes, feeling so much I did see and know things that others did not … things that broke my heart and made me cry. But, I also saw the felt things that were so beautiful and so moving and so joyful . . .
It was a gift, and I should embrace it and never ask NOT to feel. I looked around me at the leaves as the breeze picked them up and made them dance against the pale blue sky. I looked up and saw the majesty of the sky filled with white clouds. Birds flew by me to their nests where little birds were waiting hungry and chirping … and I watched as the most beautiful butterfly ever landed almost on my hand and sat and opened and closed it’s wings. I could see every little vein, every splash of colour and I was crying again for the sheer joy of life and being part of it all.
I never felt like I had a sad childhood. I never even grew up resenting the abuse of my early childhood because those experiences allowed me to connect to my higher power and my higher power taught me about me, about life, about beauty and compassion and learning. If I had not been so isolated, I might never have had those opportunities.
Sometimes even now, I just become so overwhelmed with feeling and I have to allow myself to release them. I will tell my husband and I take as long as it takes. No-one needs to do anything for me. I just need to sit with those feelings and learn the lessons they have for me. I always come out the other end, wiser and better able to deal with my world. How lucky am I to live in such a way I can still do that? To have a husband who allows me great periods of time alone and who listens to me just knowing I need to share?
I feel that same blessing every time I write and someone responds and we talk. I love to hear how other people think and how they have lived their lives. I find understanding other people’s perspectives to be a great tool to remind myself we are on the same journey, just using different vehicles to get there any way we can.