Did I Teach My Children How To Love?

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So many things seemed so important at the time and with the passing of the years, they aren’t and never were. I wish I had taken the energy I expended on pushing my children to comply with being good students so they could fit in and to be able to “compete” in the world, more into the moments.

I am sitting here this morning, drinking my coffee and looking out across the most beautiful landscape that is the backyard of my home. I have a full life time of experiences, some of them would fill you with awe and admiration, some of them would make you weep. I have made colossal mistakes that still pull me to the edge to revisit them years later. Those highs and lows are not my constant companions. This morning I can only remember my youngest son and the way he smelled in my arms when he would stop whatever he was doing and would rush to me, urgent in his need to climb into my lap and to hug me.

He did not want or need anything. He did not hurry away. He ran to be with me and sit there with love being the unspoken bond between us. Continue reading

Did The World End?

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For many years there was a sadness to the wandering . . .  a sense of isolation, a loneliness that was hard to explain to anyone.  How could we be standing on a hill overlooking the most awe inspiring world we live in and feel sad?  How could we be with people we loved and admired and feel lonely?  And yet I did.

The world was supposed to end this week.  Once again people predicted horrible events and a big change. People got rich off of other people’s fears.  Some people stopped breathing, waiting for it to happen.

It didn’t end.

But this week I found myself standing among the people in my life, overlooking the beauty of the world and I felt chains of bondage slipping off.  I found myself letting go of emotional tangles and wishes for things that were not in my control.   My sadness and sense of loss lessened. . . and a quiet, directed resolve taking it’s place.

It was like the world sighed.

I opened my eyes.

I see lights of connection.  I feel their strength.  I sense the hope.  I taste freedom.

Love is all that is left.

I am at peace.

Because Breaking is Becoming

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True healing.

I spent several hours thinking about this.

In all of our lives are the experiences and situations that have scarred us, teaching us that while some of the dangers of this world might not be life threatening, they have the power to destroy our innocence, to shatter our illusions and to eat away great chunks of who we once were.

Some people spend a lifetime trying to gather up the pieces of themselves, arms full of bits and pieces, running here and there in the field of their life where the bomb went off, dropping as many as they pick up, and never quite getting it all.

Healing can sometimes seem like a commodity too rich for even the grossest amount of money. It can’t be bought.

There are hundreds of books devoted to “how to” heal, there are an equal number of healing guru’s out there, who, for part of that gross amount of money, will deliver a seminar or a lecture on how healing is achieved. People run, like hamsters in their wheels, attending, reading, doing . . . what others suggest and say.

And still the demons come at night and we never seem to gain back what we lost. Continue reading

Unpicking the Programming

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My life was woven for me. Each stitch catching at pieces of who I was and tearing it away from the whole, isolating and losing it in row after row of a programmed me that could sit and behave and be produced to perform when called upon.

My grandparents gave me a very expensive, beautiful cover, that they constructed, to cover up any trace left of me.

I tried to wear it. I tried, at school, to say and do the things the other kids were doing. I tried to involve myself in the same activities and to not see the things that called to me from beyond the shadows and up on the hills and through the wind. I tried to get married, have kids, go to church, be a good Christian, volunteer at school, and bake perfect bread. I did it all. And I did a lot of it well.

Except that I always felt empty. I felt dishonest. I felt like I stood off to the side, watching the me that I was supposed to be performing like a trained circus seal. Continue reading

No-One Loves Me – The Lie That Holds Us Prisoners

No-one Loves Me

I have to share this, in its entirety because I think it illuminates the pain that so many people share. It is helpful for us to self direct healing and to extend understanding and forgiveness to others.

Some people are able to move through life assuming they are always invited. They join in without ever considering whether they are “wanted.” Others cannot do that, they need to be invited. Their lives teach them that they are not included. In the interest of healing all this, it becomes about being aware of other people, of seeing them. I have heard people say, “we are not an exclusive group” everyone is welcome – and they dismiss the angst of the person sitting on the outside of the circle. Continue reading

Parenting Adult Children

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“We all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow path and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and our youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.” Robert R. McCammon

We are all imperfect human beings, trying to do the best we can with what we have. We make mistakes. Some of those mistakes are easy for others to see, which makes people easy targets for others to shake their heads and call them stupid. Some mistakes are easily spotted by some or even most people. With my own children I often see where things are going to lead long before they hit the mud. Sometimes it is appropriate for me to caution, more often, now that they are adults, it is not. Parenting is a life time responsibility to love and support the human beings you birthed into the world.

It is also a gift. Continue reading

Today’s Food For Thought

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“It is not the man who has to little who is poor, but the one who hankers after more.” Seneca, Letters from a Stoic

I am so appreciative for continual growth and expanding understanding. As I have aged I have come to realize how incredibly unimportant things are. I no longer care about acquiring more. I find that spiritually, I just want to reduce and simplify and focus on what is important . . . other people, the world around me, my connection to source.

The other day I was talking to my husband about winning a lottery and he shared that he would never want to win it. His reasoning was that we don’t need it, what would we do with it? It is true, we no longer have a list of things we want to buy. We focus on what we need, and that lessens and lessens.  I said that I would still love to win it, because it would be thrilling to think of all the ways I could use it to bless the lives of others. I would give it all away, to people and to programs that would bless the lives of others.  We both tried to think of things that we could buy and in the end, there really was nothing we needed, and neither of us have wants that involve material things.

I cannot tell you how incredibly freeing this feeling is and how much more meaningful life seems to me, once I was released from those chains of selfishness.   It seems that once I was off that vicious endless cycle, I was able to truly appreciate what I do have.  When I did that, I could see that I had more than enough.  I let go of listening to advertisements telling me I needed to get a newer couch, a bigger house, a fancier car.  Every day that I wake up I take time to look around me, to acknowledge how blessed my life is, to know I have more than enough, and to appreciate and care for what I do have.  I am no longer me focused.  I am not one giant appetite of need that defines what my life is about. Continue reading

Be The Change

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When I was a child I remember the first world issue I really took to heart which was the starving children in Bangladesh. I remember crying myself to sleep and writing poetry because the idea that children were starving to death instead of running and playing like I was – was so hard and unfair.

It was a concept, not a reality for me. I looked at pictures, separated with a glossy coolness between the reality and my world that allowed me a disconnect despite the tears. They were “over there” and I was safely “here.”

As I have grown,  I have come to understand there are many countries where the mortality rate among children is high, due to violence and poverty. I have grown to understand that there are countries where many young people are killed due to violence and that there are countries where the young are expected to die, irrelevant consequences in ancient and financial tug of wars for religion and power, drugs and sex. Despite my tears and my concerns or even my actions on “behalf of” I am still protected by the label “third world countries” and my own privilege. Continue reading

Reminder of What It Takes to Make a Good Relationship

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I loved this article I read today:  Little Things a Keeper Does Without Being Asked, by Christine Stockton on the Blog, Thought Catalog.

I liked this post because it is written for the beginning of relationships when things are still magical and the love hormones are coursing through our veins.  It is true of that time, but it is even more true as a marriage goes on.

I like this because it reminds us that relationships are not about what you get out of them, they are about what you put in.  If both people are focused on “putting in,” then they both are also “getting,” and you have the flow of give and take.  All life is energy.  When we are at peace, when we are healthy, we allow that flow to come to us, through us, and release it.  We receive, and take what we need and we let it go so that it can bless the lives of others and we are open for more.   Continue reading

The River Of Discontent that Flows in Us

authentic self

Ever wonder about the people you meet who you just enjoy because they say all the right things? You have that deep connection when you talk about things beyond the weather, which celebrity did what, and what your favourite television show is. They know all the buzz words and before long, the two of you are finishing each other’s sentences, and you talk long after everyone else is out of steam.

You have several conversations with these people and you marvel to others how alike you are. It seems magical and you swear you know who they really are. Then, somewhere along the way, as you hang out, things don’t seem quite right. This person knows all the words, but what they talk about knowing and what they actually do, are miles apart. In practice they are often angry, abusing others, manipulating people and worse. They are up and down and all over the place emotionally and seldom happy. They have no real direction and nothing is ever their fault. Continue reading